Where do we go now? — An explanation.

Note: This was originally written in October.

It’s been a while since my last post on here. Roughly 8 months, actually. So, I think it’s time that I gave everyone an update on what’s been going on since then. 

I had planned to publish a piece talking about the Christchurch Terror Attack, and how certain websites are complicit in the spread of extremist views. But I suddenly grew fearful of what would happen if I were to publish such a piece–in the best case scenario, it would be drowned in the sea of content that is the internet. But there was always the very real threat of being targeted for my piece, and the thought of that scared me enough to stay my hand and turn my mind elsewhere. But the unfortunate truth is that staying silent does not help, nor does it buy safety or goodwill from those who wish ill upon those like me. All it does is defer judgement to a later date, and there’s nothing I can do to appease them that will not cost my life. 

While I was thinking on this, my next assignments were on the horizon, so I had to turn my mind away from publishing on here for a time as I worked on a piece of fiction. The idea I had in my head felt so grand and inspiring. Too grand and inspiring, in fact, so much to the point that I was completely unable to write the piece. I struggled with the portrayal of those who were antagonists-but-not-really-bad-but-still-antagonists, and then I further struggled with developing my protagonist’s character, the supporting characters in the story, and how to display all of this without it seeming like an info-dump. The more I thought on my writing woes, the more I grew displeased with what I was writing, and slowly found myself coming to hate the idea I had in my mind. 

So I took a risk and re-imagined the story once again, and I found myself enjoying what I had so much more. But before I could make serious headway with my piece, death of an uncle and a man that I grew up to consider an uncle had unsettled me. Unable to attend either funerals left seeking closure of a sort as I looked for some way to make sense of things. But the universe is not always kind, and circumstance is not always favourable. So I turned inwards, attempting to focus on my work once again. I began attending the gym once again, working out mostly to drown out the lingering sadness, and it helped. My mind began to clear once more, and I was able to begin dealing with the two deaths. Yet turmoil at home has a way of sending me into a tailspin, causing me to withdraw from my work and my feelings. 

It’s only been about a week or two since I began working once again. Deadlines are looming, and I certainly could be working on those rather than typing these. But it’s nice to put things into context, I think. These last few months have been more than these things happen, as relationships were both fostered and broken. It has been a trying time, but it is important to not break under the weight of it all. To cry is to not admit defeat, to feel hurt is not a sin. It’s simply a symptom of living, a symptom of being human. I should be posting things more often from now on. At least once a month. 

Yours eternally,

hoku-keiki